Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Randomize
