i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
