I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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