no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
