whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
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Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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