Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
