I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
You need a sexual gate keeper
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
Randomize
