Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
