I'm going to rape someone's good day.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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