Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Randomize
