i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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