Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
