somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
areolas are like halos for boobs.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Randomize
