Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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