I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
