i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
