I smell stomach acid.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
