clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
