so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
