i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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