We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
