I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
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