remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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