R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
