Can Purell be used as lube?
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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