I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
