I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
