I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
