After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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