Well apparently he's into motor boating.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
