so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
