I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
