but the lizard people decide everything anyway
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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