im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I deserve this hangover.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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