time to smoke my breakfast
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
