You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
