I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize