This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Randomize
