when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
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I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
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a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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