I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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