Your mouth is God's brothel.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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