do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
