well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Randomize
