Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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