my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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