I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
