Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Randomize
