In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
