I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
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