When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
