I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
