mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
