i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
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