chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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