I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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