I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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