3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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