Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
