I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
just tell him i said nine months
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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