break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
