he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
