youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
