im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
